I woke this morning and I could just feel something incredible inside. It’s been a while since I felt like this and it’s been a place I’ve been working my way back towards. I say ‘back towards’ because for a while I got lost.
Just over 9 months ago, I recorded a live video opening up to the world about being sexually abused as a child. It was not pre-planned, it was kind of a ‘spur-of-the-moment’ kind of thing, (though it was really an event which had come about from a sequence of events, though I won’t be talking about them today). Either way, it had to happen, it had to happen to allow me to work through it.
Prior to recording my Live Video I was in a place of such peace and self-love which I had never experienced before. I had travelled such a journey inwards and was experiencing and acknowledging myself for the beautiful and perfect being I am. Life was truly blissful, I felt my own strength and I remember walking around with such a euphoric feeling nearly every day with the inner knowing of just how in love with life and with myself I was, it was amazing. I still had my off days, though I didn’t get stuck there.
After recording my Live Video I dredged up feelings and images, memories and deep rooted emotions I hadn’t felt for a long time and it knocked me for a six. For the first 48-72 hours after my video, I was inundated with thousands of views and people’s support, I was completely shocked at the response my video got, it was such a good feeling yet I was so overwhelmed. I couldn’t believe and it actually took me a little while to fathom exactly what I had just done, Live, on Facebook, for the first time ever and I went to the deepest darkest part of my past, opened it up and put it out for the world to see. It was, however, for a good reason. It wasn’t about my story, it was about the countless stories around the world which are trapped inside of us, feeling silenced for a multitude of reasons, I wanted to stand up and be a voice. This, however, isn’t what I wanted to write about today.
What I really wanted to write about, is the journey I went on. As I said, I was thrown for a six. I was in such a good space mentally, emotionally and on my spiritual path, I had really made huge progress from where I once was, and now everything I had been feeling was gone, like a rug pulled out from under me. My Insomnia returned with extreme force, I was seeing images and faces where I didn’t want to see them, I felt my strength diminish and my vulnerability rise to the surface again similar to what I felt as a child. Along with this, I had a stack of family drama to go along with another chain of events which took me even further from the euphoric state I was in only 2 weeks beforehand. (Read more here) I started eating anything and everything, my moods were low and very rarely was I in a happy state for more than a couple of hours, at some stages, I felt I knew I had hit depression again and the thought terrified me. I teetered on the edge of looking at the Black Dog and refused to look it in the eye for if I admitted it, I felt I had no control and would slip even further. I simply could not believe what had transpired and as I sit here writing this now, I can feel an energy rising within me, reminding me I am not there anymore, I got through it, though it took a while. (There is no time limit on healing).
This euphoric state I felt prior to my video was what I had aspired to get back to (by going forwards), it’s what I sought out, I remembered it and I knew it was possible, all I had to do was apply myself in the right places, so I did. I took myself away from everything and everyone, stepped back and set the intention for reconnecting with myself and to realign myself. I reminded myself of how I got myself off of medication for Insomnia and started doing the same things I was doing before my video, and very quickly it started working. I returned to my daily meditation practice and carving out time of the day for me, to be still and go within and my intuition returned again, reminding me I had to keep writing my book, so I have been. I found my energy levels increasing again following what I love doing and knowing there is a purpose for my book. I took myself back again to trusting the same flow of life I had felt before hand and allowing things to come into my life which I needed at the time I needed them, and they came, usually in the form of books. I reapplied myself to my personal growth and development, and this morning when I woke, I felt it again, the euphoric feeling I had desired to return to. I knew I had found my way to where I wanted to be. I did an internal fist pump as I lay in bed and felt the excitement within me knowing “anything is possible”, you simply have to believe. With this generation of excitement, I also felt relief and a sense of accomplishment. This is what I so desired when I fell out of touch with myself after doing my video, when I was not aligned and centred, the times I just simply felt off, and I made it, though this time it’s different, better, more.
As I moved throughout my day, I had a feeling of an internal shift taking place, like I’m shedding my skin from the inside out. There are always different stages of growth though I feel this time I’m on the edge of something huge. This is a shift of magnitude I haven’t felt before and I can literally feel the old me stripping away, my old beliefs about myself, about life, about my reasons for living and I’m ready for a completely new chapter of my life. I’ve grown so much, and there have been many shifts within me before though none which have compelled me to write about specifically, it has almost brought me to tears today, it is difficult to describe.
My reason for writing this, other than my general love of sharing my thoughts is because I want everyone to know this is possible for you too. Each of us has a story, and all of us have lived through some kind of pain. Most of us tuck the pain away and hide it in a chest while we wear a mask, too scared to open it, face it and heal from it. I want to tell you while it may be scary, the pain can be temporary and the other side of healing and the growth you experience from finding your power is phenomenal. I want what I have for you and I feel like I’ve barely even begun.
If you’re feeling lost or find yourself in a situation which makes you unhappy, if you want more out of life or are sick and tired of the past causing pain in your present, I send to you strength and love to overcome this situation. Choose to release it rather than allow it to harbour within you anymore, pull it out, stick it in front of you and tell it “I WILL NOT ALLOW YOU TO CONTROL ME ANY LONGER!” Stand in your power, find your bliss, you CAN do it, feel it rise within you. You might be looking into the eyes of a ten-foot grizzly bear which has been locked inside of you for many years, stare it down anyway, you are stronger, choose to LIVE.
Everything is a choice, you can choose to allow the pains of the past to stop you from moving forwards, or you can choose to live a life free from them, it’s up to you, the only limit is you.
It can be hard and scary to open up past wounds, I understand though I have very recently come to realise, it’s harder NOT to. What’s harder; living life with resentment, anger, pain, sorrow and bitterness creating blocks, or work through the pain temporarily and no longer allow it affect you in a negative way?
Live with the effects forever, as much as you try to deny it, if you haven’t worked through it, it’s affecting you (forever is a long time) or go through a period of healing and transitioning then feeling free of the bonds which have bound you? You are WORTHY of so much more. You deserve to live an abundant life.
If I could give you one gift, it would be the ability to look forth into a world where you have found your true power, where you can stand in conviction, know your worth and know you took the steps to truly live a free life. Life is outside your comfort zone, it’s on the other side of fear. “Feel the fear and do it anyway” is one of the quotes I always find going through my mind when something shows up and I hear ego tell me it’s too hard or scary. Getting through the last 9 months is and was hard, though it would have been harder to not have gone through what I did and I’ve still got things to work through, though I am willing to heal, I am willing to trust myself enough not to allow past pains to stop me from being who I was born to be, and I wish this for you too.
With Love, Always,