**TRIGGER WARNING **
Abuse, Suicide, Depression.
The last 3 months have been somewhat crazy to say the least. Sitting here today, probably one of the lowest of those days I’m trying to find the words I’ve not so easily been able to find lately.
3 months and 1 week ago, the 8th of November, I recorded a video which exposed all my vulnerabilities, well a great deal of them live to the world wide web. The myriad of events which then followed left me unsettled and on shaky ground. I had effectively caused an ‘earthquake’ within our nice stable environment and shaken the ground on which we were walking on, one I’d worked so hard to get to in the first place.
Having led the life I had, I was always seeking stability, with very little stability as a child, it wasn’t until I met my now husband just over 9 years ago that life began to ‘normalise’. We’ve made an amazing life for ourselves over the past 9 years, but i’d just rocked it unknowingly in a way I never truly intended to. The decision to do a live video was not one I had planned on doing, ever, but some events followed with heightened emotions led to making that decision and although it’s shaken my life up, and my emotions, I’ll never bring myself to regret it.
I had a great deal of support and was met with support and positivity by most everyone who saw my video and my surrounding family and friends. I had taken on ‘healing’ head on and trying to ‘deal with’ my stuff had my facing my demons and past hurts and pains, one of those, if not the biggest was my mother. After asking for her support, which I thought she had ‘freely’ given to me, I was then met with some of the worst phone calls she had ever made to me, but it was a good thing because it meant I could finally let go of our relationship after just over 30 years of pain, I could finally move on, she couldn’t hurt me anymore (though it didn’t stop her trying).
The day after those calls, I was thrown yet another curve-ball. A phone call telling me that one of the people who had abused me for numerous years, had committed suicide. This was news nobody expects, I’m sure, but this really threw me. Was it real? In a short space of about 20 minutes I went through a whole range of emotions, shock being the first, I didn’t know if i’d heard right. Had this really happened? I just couldn’t believe it! I was told not to feel responsible, and I didn’t either, I should’n’t! Happiness, I felt free. Not usually the response to this kind of event, but if i’m being honest…. There was a great deal of disbelief though and after all of those other emotions going through me, I felt I had reacted too quickly to this news. I quickly turned to strong disbelief, I couldn’t accept it as being true, I thought it was a joke, one final sick and twisted part of his ‘game’. And I now felt like I was part of something else while someone was sitting back laughing at me, thinking ‘SUCKER!’
There were only a couple of things which would make it seem true, either an official report, news or notice, OR a phone call from my mother….. I ended up finally after a couple of hours of frantically trying to come to terms with the news, getting ‘that’ phone call from my ‘mother’. I couldn’t concentrate on anything else. The phone call and what she said shocked me but I shouldn’t have expected less, I now knew it was true, I had my answer.
It happened to also be a day of celebration, my daughters birthday, mixed emotions surrounded me. Within 24 hrs I’d had SO many emotions going through me and I didn’t sleep well. Almost immediately my Insomnia came back with a vengeance and I found myself reverting back to how I had been more than 10 years before. With the sleepless nights also came flashbacks of things I wasn’t and am still not sure if were just thoughts or memories, but some really frightened me. I also on a shopping expedition with my daughter saw my abusers face 4 times. Why was he popping up everywhere now after this had happened? I’d come to learn that apparently his death ‘triggered’ me.
Unknowingly the after effects of my video had consumed me and whilst most was positive, I was in un-chartered waters. I knew I should seek therapy, just ‘coz’ what had happened was pretty major and I had no idea what was to come, but dealing with mental illness for years had me on high alert for watching myself and keeping track of my emotions and mental well being.
I’d also formed a friendship in this time which was so healing and comforting, the first time i’d really opened up with a friend with a relatable history to me. It was really nice and I found it soothing to have such a friendship. I had friends who i’d spoken to and opened up to about this, but this just seemed different, and timing seemed to be something of true importance.
I saught out some counseling at a centre which specialised in what i’d experienced, and was offered a place to join a group therapy course.
Over the past few weeks, I’ve found ways of relaxing through art, drawing, painting and colouring in. I’ve also had a great deal of fun and enjoyed many parts of the last 3 months, it hasn’t all been doom and gloom, but very up and down. Part of my inner child had really started to come out and I found myself reaching for my pencils whenever I had a spare moment or didn’t know what to do. I hadn’t ever thought I would turn to art, but I can understand why art is such a therapeutic tool, I’ve surprised myself too with what I’ve been able to complete.
Today I found myself trying to express myself in words and trying to remove myself I guess I feel like i’m in my own little bubble, a little world of my own trying to deal with and manage as best I can. I am somewhat removed in some ways from things and i’m not sure if it’s from feeling the loss of distance between friendships, the range of emotions and things coming up which I haven’t ‘thought’ about for so many years, the impact on family or all of the above plus more that I haven’t yet become aware of. I’ve found myself confused by a lot of things over the past 3 month which is something knew for me.
For the first time in a long time, i’m kind of lost for words, I don’t really know how to externalise what’s going on inside, and for someone who can usually find the words to express, is a tad bothersome and slightly annoying, but, today is one of them days and tomorrow is a new day.
Life really is beautiful and I know this is all part of my journey. From what I’ve been through to where I am, this is just a small pebble in my path but one I know I must travel as it’s imperative to my healing journey, but in the meantime, trudging my way through a forest of emotions where I know there is the light shining through and I can see the sparkles everywhere, and one day soon i’ll find my way through out the other side, for now, taking it as it comes and finding the new ‘normal’ through everyday life. This forest will give me new insights into life and about myself I hadn’t previously had and add to the strength I know I possess.
Thank you to everyone for their support, especially my amazing Husband who has and always stands right by my side, walking next to me, holding my hand and embracing me with his love.
Thank you !