One day we were friends, the next, we weren’t. That was my choice. This is an open letter explaining why.
We’d been friends since primary school, I say that in a precarious matter. You bullied me and treated me like hell for years. Initially you were nice and we were friends for a while but then you turned. One day, we grew up a little more and you became one of my closest friends.
You were such an important person in my life and held me together in times I’m sure I would have fallen apart. Seeing you daily when I was feeling so isolated I will forever be grateful for, you have no idea how much of a blessing you were to me then. Even afterwards when i was going through some of the worst times of my life, you were there.
As the years went on everything was fine.
Then you moved a bit further away from the rest of us and things started to change. It was difficult for you being further away and now it seemed you were lonely, you felt like you were always the one who made the effort, which you did. You were single and living life however you wanted to, it was easier for you to do what you wanted, I had a family to consider and you didn’t seem to understand. We still made efforts to come and see you but maybe it just wasn’t enough to make you feel like I cared for you as much as you needed me to.
You’ve always been one who loved the limelight and thrived from being the center of attention. You were funny and made us laugh and took it all in your stride but when it wasn’t on you, it somehow maybe made you feel less important, I don’t actually know. You wouldn’t say as much but you seemed to end up with a sulky face or the face I remember from school when we weren’t friends. It sometimes made it uncomfortable being around you, especially when it was during times of someone’s party. Even one of my own parties, you stood aside of everything that was going on, excluding yourself but I didn’t want you to feel left out, so of course encouraged you to join in the fun. I didn’t like the fact you deliberately kept yourself aside, it felt like you thought you were too good for the rest of us.
This seemed to be happening more and more and one night you turned on my partner. Implying he treated my eldest daughter different than my youngest and that he was the reason I had changed and didn’t come out as much. I sat there trying to explain it, we’d been drinking and you’d had a few and the question seemed to come up about 5 times, I tried to explain but you didn’t seem to understand or believe me, I’m not sure. At one stage you angrily said ‘don’t tell me I don’t understand, I might not even be able to have kids’. It came from nowhere and it was the first I’d heard anything of the sort from you. After asking it seemed it was a general statement which had no specific reason behind other than you were worried you may not find someone and you didn’t know, maybe it wasn’t a possibility for you not that there were any medical reasons you were aware of. I grew tired of trying to answer the same question over and over again and just wanted to get away, I didn’t like that you’d singled out my partner, he is an amazing man who treated my eldest like his own and just wanted to go and sit and have some happy drinks. You were going through some tough times and were in tears, I didn’t like seeing you like this and while I tried to comfort you, I felt there was a time and place and I was just looking forward to getting out and having some drinks, that may have been selfish of me. You’d said I didn’t come out enough and here I was not anticipating this. Not that you can in these times of need. Admittedly, whatever you were going through at this time, I probably wasn’t the best friend and wasn’t there for you as much as you needed me to be either. What I tried to explain which you never understood was the reason I didn’t come out and party like I used to was because I was more than happy staying at home being a Mother and loving Partner. That was what I craved ever since I was a child and now I had it. Of course I still wanted to enjoy myself with you and others but it was no longer my top priority, or all that i had. I was happy with my life, you weren’t happy and it showed. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you the way you needed me to be.
I stared to dread being around you which was a horrible thought and when I was around you it seemed to drain all my energy, not all the time or when it was just us though. It started to become hard work being your friend and I’m sorry to say that I was beginning to not really like the person you had become.
My wedding came along and I was so happy to be marrying my soul mate, surrounded by my friends and family. It was an amazing day and everything went off without a hitch (apart from the general stresses of the day), we followed the processes of the afternoon and enjoying speaking to everyone. Dinner came, then you were gone! That was it, you’d decided you had enough for the night. The party animal who loved drinking, were one of the first ones to leave saying you weren’t feeling well! Maybe it didn’t help you partied all night the night before!?
We jetted off to our honeymoon and had the most amazing time, not a care in the world, surrounded by beautiful crystal clear waters and blue skies in the Whitsundays. Upon returning home, I found out you’d left my wedding to go to the pub, get drunk and hook up! That was enough for me, we were supposed to be friends yet you’d chosen that over spending the night celebrating my wedding. Looking back, we weren’t friends like we used to be and maybe that was why it wasn’t as important for you to be there that night. It made me feel again, you thought you were too good for me. I think we were holding onto the respect for what once was but we’d grown apart, become different people. I don’t know if that’s how it was for you or maybe you were just angry at me for my lack of efforts as a friend??
I deleted your number and deleted you from Facebook and we never spoke again. I know from a few glares you were pissed at me, and rightly so. I cut you off without a word or explanation why, it would have seemed like I didn’t value our friendship and just let it all go and you had no idea why. I’d been teetering on the edge for a while what to do but my wedding was the last straw, that hurt me and I’m sorry to say, it was a relief to let it go.
I know now it wasn’t the best way of dealing with what had happened, but it seems my ‘way’ of dealing with pain from those who hurt me most is to cut them out of my life and not deal with it.
If this finds you somewhere along the way, I hope you’re happy and have found your way in life, your friendship got me through many hard times, for those times i’ll always be grateful we had some amazing times together. For any pain I caused you, I’m truly sorry.
If you’ve found your way here and resonate with anything at all, find your way to reading ‘The 4 Agreements’, that book has changed my life and would have helped a great deal back then as it does in my life today.
Please feel free to leave your comments if you ‘get it’ or have been through it before. It’s a safe space here.
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